Monday funnies...

I'm here in Pullman, WA visiting family and some of my friends' families. I arrived last night, by way of Portland, OR, and after dinner with the family, my 15-year-old (Cooler-Than-He-Knows) brother asked me if I want to go out for a walk. That is usually a signal that he wants to chat a bit, and since it's getting cool at night here in the Palouse, I suggested that we go get some hot-chocolate (coffee for me).

At a coffee shop, we plop down at a suitable table; he with a hot-chocolate in front of him, me with a latte. I'm appreciating the fancy design the barista made with the foam in my drink, and when I look up, it is just in time to watch my brother finish pounding his cup of hot chocolate. I'm laughing as I take my first sip of coffee, and he asks, with a sheepish smile, "What?"

"Good hot-chocolate, huh?" I reply.

"Yeah," he says without hesitation. Totally wired on sugar, and having nothing to do with his hands, like say... hold and drink from a warm cup, he is bobbing his entire upper torso up and down. Lightly playing the drums on our table, he starts off "So, I've got a funny story to tell you..."

"My friends Dan and Ian came over to our house last week, and we were hanging out. Wait, I think Amar and Justin also came over... or, no... maybe they weren't... oh, that's right... yeah, they were over too. So anyway... Dan reaches into his pocket says, 'Check this out,' as he pulls out this orangish pepper."

"I'm like 'Sweet dude, a pepper.' And Dan says, 'No... this is like the hottest pepper in the world. Like a 1000 times hotter than a jalapeno. I got it at the Food Co-Op.'" At this point I'm thinking to myself... WHAT? Food co-op?

He continues, "So Dan's waving around this pepper as he's talking and Oliver (our family's chocolate labrador) is going crazy, wagging his tail and eyeing the pepper in Dan's hand. I'm like, 'Dan you're an idiot... put that away. If Oliver eats it it'll probably kill him." I'm already laughing in anticipation as I watch him tell this story... arms waving and everything.

"So we decide that we'll all try a piece of the pepper. I go first and cut-off a little bit from the outside, and it's not hot at all. I cut the pepper open and touch my tongue to a little bit of the seed, and I'm like 'SHIT... ahhh! It burns!' Dan and Ian try it too, and we're all screaming. Ian's like 'I need milk, I need milk,' so I go to pour us glasses of milk when Ian starts screaming and running around."

"He's grabbing his eye and knocking shit all over the place. Ian sticks his head under the kitchen sink and he's screaming his head off... he grabs one of the dish sponges and starts soaking it with water and mashing it against his eye. I'm like, 'What should I do, what should I do?' when Dan starts yelling behind me, 'Ahhhh, shit my eye! my eye!' I tell Dan to quit making fun and help Ian, but Dan goes running off to the bathroom. I guess he rubbed his eye too. Both of them have their heads in the sinks, but they ended up okay. Their eyes were super red... those peppers should be illegal, man."

I'm in hysterics, picturing these 15-year-old nitwits thrashing around our house on some week night.


STORY No. 2... a shorter one...

Cooler-Than-He-Knows brother was out visiting me in Seattle a couple of weeks ago. At my farewell party, he was a comical observer of my friends, but he neglected to tell me this one story until last night.

He started off, "So, at your party I was talking to Nate, and I was telling him how Deuce was acting really funny. You know, like, drunk..."

"Nate told me, and he was pinching his nose, 'Yeah, I think Deuce crapped his pants... I'd stay away from him.'"

"I looked out the window to the balcony where Deuce was standing, and I was like 'Oh man, that sucks... those are really nice pants.'"